On the eve of June 26th in the year 2001, obscenely wealthy nobelman, Frederick Wigglesworth Moneybaggs was commissioned to conduct what he thought was to be an interview on sound financial strategies and dicty social practices. Much to his shock and dismay, he was interviewing Deirdre. To make things even more interesting, it also appeared that some rapscallion had slipped F.W. Moneybaggs some sort of drug, making F.W.'s usually austere and archaic speech, full of timely colloquialisms. I'm spoiling it. Enjoy.

Moneybaggs: how do you define excellence?

Deirdre: That womens channel. i think its called "We." They gave me a free mirror. I
looked into it. There was excellence.

Moneybaggs: Deirdre. This year has been a year of belt tightening for all of us. Your financial strategy, however, has made you one of the richest people in Queens I understand. Can you elaborate on this ?

Deirdre: Well, i manage to stay free of change in my sister's apt in astoria queens. I am freeloading and loving it. My family approves of this because my sister lives alone and is small and vulnerable, so i am welcomed as entertainment and protection.

Moneybaggs: If I made you an offer you couldn't refuse what would you do?

Deirdre: I would not refuse that offer.

Moneybaggs: How much would your life cost? Deirdre, I am not kidding with you when I say I can fit $14 million -cash- in my shorts at any given time and frequently do so.

Deirdre: Is this question a frame of reference for those who would pay to have me killed? or is this question simply the monetary value of my self worth?

Moneybaggs: All I'm saying is, I've got $14mil. in my shorts and, which is more interesting to you- Hollywood Squares or Voltron? ....NEXT QUESTION I'M VERY VERY BUSY AND WHITE!

Deirdre: Voltron. HS has too much Whoopi and not enough "Bury Me Not on the Lone Prairie"

Moneybaggs: hehem. Which of these is best: Montgomery Clift, Montgomery Ward or Monty Wooly?

Deirdre: Clift. definitely Clift
Deirdre: I noticed you didnt include Montgomery Burns within the choices....wtf?

Moneybaggs: damn you!

Moneybaggs: Deirdre. What effect has the most recent Federal Reserve interest rate reduction had on your personal portfolio? Can you still afford that Amphicar you ordered....or will you now be sitting on the passenger side of your best friend's ride?

Deirdre: I was going to eliminate that question upon seeing the Federal Reserve mentioned, but because of the TLC reference i'll go on with it.....

Moneybaggs:I'm waiting

Deirdre: I can no longer afford the Amphicar, the sage green one with the apricot on white interior (wahhhh).....but we'll see what happens after I get started with my vending machine business....specifically Big Mama gum ball machines...placed strategically in malls throughout NH

Moneybaggs: It has come to my attention that you attended Sacred Heart. Did this experience make you a) well rounded b) well, rotund c) cocaine addict , d) Zeze Carr or e) other EXPLAIN.

Deirdre: My friend Nick convinced me to go into business with me. that is, go in together on a Big Mama Gumball machine....theyre about 6 feet tall...

Moneybaggs: So only big mamas can get balls?

Deirdre: Thats what our slogan is going to be actually

Moneybaggs: I mean, how are the youth supposed to receive their tasty morsel?

Deirdre: It sounds really good now that ive seen it in print, thanks

Moneybaggs: That is going to cost you a Morgan dollar you harlot. F.W. Moneybaggs does NOT come cheap

Moneybaggs: Answer my question about your lesbian breeding ground of a school!

Deirdre: Wait first, are you the same Moneybaggs who paraded down Madison Avenue with two dollar bills stuffed in your loafers? and you did this in exchange for only two dollars more?

Moneybaggs: *tightens tie* Why... why yes, I am that very same Moneybaggs. A delight in fiscal wizardry that was.

Deirdre: Can i have 1000 dollars for a frozen yogurt machine?

Moneybaggs: Tell me why you need that money in an essay of say....no more than 48 words. On my desk, by tomorrow morning. And we 'll talk

Deirdre: Ok smallballz, youre playing hardball

Moneybaggs: You're a dumball!

Deirdre: But i sell gumballs!

Moneybaggs: Aye carumball!

Deirdre: Anyway since youre a money know-it-all and everything, i figure i should ask YOU a question.....the minting of the Sacagawea gold coin begins..and a year later the economy is shot to shit......youre smart enough to realize this is NOT mere coincidence, but direct correlation.....well, right??

Moneybaggs: Monoraillllllllll MONORAILLLLLL MONORAILLLLLLL

Deirdre: You havent answered my question. i remember you saying on previous occasions "time is money....bags of money....Moneybaggs"

Moneybaggs: Sacagawea, or as we like to say around the office, redskin trollop, was responsible for giving Lewis and Clark the Clap. Now I ask you, why did we put this foul temptress on our esteemed currency? If it had been up to me (and it almost was) appearing on the face of the new dollar coin would be one F. W. Moneybaggs III. Hear it. Smell it. Believe It.

Deirdre: I agree completely. I suppose we were looking for a minority or worse, a woman to be featured on our new currency, the despicable gold coin...the bane of all NJTransit/Path train commuters....

Moneybaggs: he hem

Deirdre: However, the "Wea" was a whore to L, enabling them to claim more of her people's land. and we feature her on our currency, a currency her people never used because well they were too busy trading beaver tails at the river. i say we bring back the classic but wildly unpopular Susan B...what do you think? if you say yes, Susan B will be made to be your love slave and chamber maid.

Moneybaggs: I thought Susan B anything was a fur trader herself.

Deirdre: Anyway, repeat that question about SH 91

Moneybaggs: And might I add, a currency they STILL never use as they are too busy swapping children for cans of Lysol in Saskatoon in attempt to get their proverbial "buzz" on.

Moneybaggs: It has come to my attention that you attended Sacred Heart. Did this experience make you a) well rounded b) well, rotund c) cocaine addict , d) Zeze Carr or e) other EXPLAIN.

Deirdre: I choose e). after i had been at college a week or so i realized i was no longer motivated to walk down the path to my 2.30pm class twice a week and would rather sit at my computer and drink DC's. and i know nothing about literature outside of Evelyn Waugh....so i cant answer a). I cant say b either because i became less rotund after i left SH. proving that going to school with tall, thin model types and tall thin model types with bulemia...it catches up with you after a while and you're glad because you look much better after the fact

Moneybaggs: Deirdre it has come to my attention that you have fallen asleep during this interview

Deirdre: I drowned in a puddle of my own sweat, im really sorry

Moneybaggs: Are you 'penny wise and pound foolish'? and if so, can you tell me what that means?

Deirdre: I cant tell you what that means. and honestly all this money talk has made me really uncomfortable. im not jewish

Deirdre: I've been knocked off (the computer)
Deirdre: I expected a knocked-up joke

Moneybaggs: But that's where you would be wrong. I could care less. I just made 6.2 million in the time you were gone. Deirdre, I am a master of personal wealth and global respect. Who are you?

Deirdre: I am dd, irish dancing extraordinaire, NYDolls devotee, creator of such characters as yourself and local nyc claypunx, Tangent, as well as author of halfwitted poetry like "Cyclops Land"

Moneybaggs: And now for the last time-"
Moneybaggs: Nevermind

Deirdre : You always find a way to bring up kurt cobain dont you? must we end this interview in tears?

Moneybaggs: I think I better get back to my study. I got paid a PITTANCE to be here