Monday, March
12, 2007
Can I get a round of applause for delicious food?
As you probably know (unless you are from a non-food-appreciating
country like Scotland), food can be so excellent! This idea is as
fresh in my mind as the Chinese food I had on Saturday was fresh in
my mouth. So fresh! I mean it can get really tricky with that particular
cuisine. Chinese food is often awful, pungent, and mysteriously cheap
– to find a great Chinese restaurant is to rejoice!
Here are some of my tips for finding a BAD Chinese restaurant, and
hopefully these critical tools will help you eliminate the truly heinous
and be left with something approaching good or perhaps even great.
1. Corny name. The name of the restaurant is straight
up corny and/or puts out some semi-racist vibes like Chikky Chan's
or Wok N' Roll
2. Name that alludes to speed- Speedy Wok, China
Express, etc. Why? Because, dude!- if speed is their main concern,
how good can it be? You don't see any Italian restaurants boasting
how they can all whip up some choice manicotti in like 3 minutes.
You smell me?
3. This rule is gospel- if the menu offers SIZES of food
items (typically pint and quart size), stay away!! First
of all, they try to lure you in with their deceptively low prices;
something like $2.99 for ma po tofu, and then BLAM- a whole lot
of inedible Chinese food shows up at your house! It's like magic,
if you think of magic as this force that makes you want to go to
the bathroom on yourself.
Seriously, I ordered from a "size place" last week (a joint
called Fast Wok- which also violated rule #2 I'm afraid) I took one
bite of this jank and had to call a priest. It was that bad. He exorcised
the food, read me my last rites, and miraculously I pulled through.
He suggested burning the Fast Wok menu though, and thus, I did.
I saw a few Fast Wok menus in the lobby of my building over the weekend
and wanted to write "SUCKS!" and "POISON!!" on
them, but I didn't have a pen. And then I also started feeling bad
for the gross food place- thinking maybe my culinary standards are
more arbitrary than I'd like to believe, and who am I to try and put
a restaurant out of business just because they specialize in a gross
taste, etc. Let the MARKET BEWARE I guess. But I'll say it here, no
bullshit: Fast Wok is a real place in Sunnyside, Queens, and you should
not go there unless you are trying to Litvinenko someone.
Now, clear all
that gross Chinese food talk from your mind because a few days later
when I was visiting my cousin at his rehearsal space in Hell's Kitchen,
we had the opportunity to dine at the crazily-carpeted and culinarily-epic,
Grand Szechuan. This place hooked it UP! Everything our table had
(General Tso's tofu, sweet & sour chicken, some steaming pork
special, chicken with broccoli) was like surprising your tongue with
an expensive and thoughtful birthday present when it had pretty much
given up on you, just like last year. A total fresh taste-astophe!
My only complaint is that they did not bring my food in a huge trough
so that I could have eaten five times as much. Oh, and total price
for each of us? An awesome $12.00. So, if you ever find yourself 39
blocks north of the meat-packing district at 9th and 52nd St., you
should totally scroll up on Grand Szechuan and put some of their delicious
food in your mouth.
-----
Friday, March
09, 2007
Just because I am STONE COLD, in no way means I am STEVE AUSTIN:
Some thoughts on assumptions.
I'd like to take a minute or two and give much criticism to: assumptions.
People are always making assumptions about this or that, and I am
straight sick of it.
When I first moved to Canada people assumed I was very wealthy because
I was from America and had really great blonde hair that was not at
all a total hatchet job like you might find in say, Canada. But I
completely digress! The point was- I got left payin' a lot of brewski
tabs because people just assumed my benjamins could bench press a
lot more weight than say, whoever appears on their $100 bills (Tim
Horton?). Sure, in the grand scheme of things, having a bunch of college
chess-club types and local street urchins figurin' you're all Beverly
Hills 90210* isn't a real bad assumption, as they go, but where does
the buck stop??
Say you are Japanese and people always assume you are Korean just
because your parents run a nail salon. Then, instead of saying "I'm
digging this Puffy Ami Yumi CD!" they're all showing you their
janky fingers and asking, "Does this look fungal to you?"
If you were to respond, "I don't know anything about your gross/stupid
nails, so get your hands up out my face!" suddenly you're the
asshole. Now how fair is THAT? It could easily mess up your day, if
not your whole life.
And did you know, assumptions can be made about things other than
people? For instance, a lot of people assume dolphins are totally
friendly little seadudes who just want to frolic all day with middle-aged
rich people in a controlled environment- but no! I read somewhere
that they try to have sex with people in the water a lot, but since
most people aren't really familiar with what it feels like to get
macked on by a dolphin, it goes largely undocumented. Do not assume
that dolphins are sluts though. You aren't even of their species-
like hell you can tell them how to act.
Assumptions are a pretty lazy way to form opinions about a thing,
and making them constantly is a pretty weak way to go through life-
so my advice to you is keep the assumptions to a minimum, and go after
the facts like a truffle pig! They're there, you just have to shove
your snout in them and snort away.
*Okay this wasn't really a huge assumption since I was, in fact, on
90210 circa 1995- yes, Jason Priestly gave me a private tour of the
'Peach Pit - After Dark' and yes, Tori Spelling was doing a lot of
what I can only assume was cocaine.
------
Thursday, February
01, 2007
TIDBITS!
Just now, writing the word TIDBITS up there... really made me want
some Timbits from Tim Hortons. Oh well.
Onto the bits!
1. I wrote an ebonics version of Robert Burns' 'Ode
to a Haggis' (or whatever) but it's too stupid to repeat.
1a. Is 'ebonics' even still an acceptable term? I
would hazard to guess that it isn't. I feel like it isn't, and just
want to say that I never liked it anyway- sounds corny.
2. My friend Cristi is all about this new science
zine/blog that her friends are doing called LITMUS.
Check that.
3. I reached into my bag of Haribos yesterday and
extracted 5 bears. All red. Now what are the chances of that? If I
knew what was up with mathematics, I'd know.
4. I pretty much hate when people walk too close
behind me- for no other reason than I'm convinced they can read my
thoughts and usually I'm thinking about murders/crimes.
5. I need to stop saying "Newsflash!:..."
so much. It's like I'm part of a slang preservation society.
That's all for now. I am totally talking to Dale Ronson on MSN messenger.
-----
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Free Yorkie.
Oh man. Don't you just want to punch Craigslist sometimes?
So apparently there is this "scam" where someone advertises
a free yorkie (this alone doesn't arouse any suspicion) - anyway,
then - get this - it turns out this place wants money for the yorkie.
And, to add insult to injury, there might not even be a yorkie...
Now, in the wake of this dastardly clever yorkie scam, have come the
Craigslist guardian angels with their posts warning fellow readers
against the scam and encouraging them to flag any posts advertising
such free pets.
Below is one of those emails.
Reply to: comm-269458243@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-27, 9:27PM EST
I sent them an
email asking about the free yorkie and this was their response:
Nice reading from you in reference to our puppy
Our
yorkie puppy is vet checked They have been raised
around children,cats and other pets.
We are located in Alaska and willing to ship only
which we use airlines to do that.She will come along with
her Food Dish,Official HealthCertificate and Delivery
to your doorstep with a special pets delivery van from
the airport or if you like picking her up from the
airport,then fine. VACCINATIONS up to Date.
You are require to pay $200 as her adoption fee,then
$80 shipping fee is required
NO ADDITIONAL CHARGES.First of all don't contact
anylonger if you cannot provide love and care for our
puppy.
THEY ARE DEFINATELY TRYING TO SCAM PEOPLE. BEWARE!!!
_____________________________________________________
This observant craigslist watchdog insists in full caps, "THEY
ARE DEFINATELY (sic) TRYING TO SCAM PEOPLE."
Holy shit. DO YOU THINK SO?
Um, Newsflash!: Everyone that doesn't speak English is trying to scam
you.
-----
Monday, January 22, 2007
HEROES my ass
Is anyone sick to death of that show Heroes? Okay, granted I've seen
an entire 1/3 of one episode, this one time... BUT - from what I gather
it's trying to be the next 'Lost' (another show that left me cold.
Get them the fuck off the island already, I'm growing a fucking beard
just watching this shit). What super bugs me about Heroes though is
how the commercials CANNOT STOP referring to the show as a "phenomenon."
The logic behind this is, of course, a "fake it til you make
it" approach, wherein by referring to this shitty show as a "phenomenon"
with astounding frequency, it will actually become the phenomenon
it professes to be. Odd, since the show appears to be neither rare,
significant or of any scientific interest, and will no doubt turn
out to have some quasi-Christian slant (if it doesn't already. Like
I said, I have only seen less than half of one episode) Anyway, 2
thumbs down is my verdict.
In other nudes, I need to get busy updating microtard.com already!
If you were to go there now, you might say like "aw cute"
before being frustrated by a bunch of non-working links, outdated
text and dead-end javascript crap. Check it out though before I streamline
that shit so it actually works/is kinda ugly/but you can buy things.
-----
Friday, January 12, 2007
Disturbing Trends in my Ears
Okay, I'm going to launch straight into it. I don't know how I got
to be this old and still have no idea how you're supposed to clean
ears and how often you're supposed to clean them. I know that I am
NOT supposed to use Q-Tips- a doctor told me that once. Done. No more
Q-tips for me. But it seems like everytime I'm just casually scratching
the inside of my ears there is grime/grunge (music) in there and I
just wonder if this is how it goes for everyone or if this so-called
"everyone" would laugh and be like "Pfft, you mean
you don't have an OXO no-slip earbrush and follow-up with Johnson's
"no more scunge" smoothing ear foam? EW!" There is
just a never-ending supply of weird detritus in there and I don't
know what to do. The end.
The other thing I wanted to discuss is a trend I have been noticing
on the streets of midtown, and on the rush hour subways that pump
like so many valves in and out of that aforesaid hub of industry.
"WTF?," you ask?
The Corporate Crazyman.
It is NOT rare that I see an often-attractive, and always appropriately
suited gentleman (with optional briefcase), twitching, talking to
himself, exhibiting weird OCD characteristics and/or other evidence
of feeble-mindedness. And no, none of the gentlemen in question were
wearing even the smallest of bluetooth earpieces, because I fucking
check. They were all legitimately touched. Which really boggles my
mind because I'm like "Where on earth do these dudes work?"
...and if you were just a random nutball, why the suit? Like, duh,
a suit only lends credibility when you're not shredding a newspaper
and spitting on the sidewalk. My other theory (and keep reading because
it's goddamn stunning) is that I just happen to be catching these
guys on the *first* day of their nervous breakdowns so like... today
they are leaving work a little early (due to accelerating mania),
and tomorrow they will be wearing hawaiian shorts and sleeping under
a table at the Olive Garden. I really can't say for certain so I guess
I'll stop BORING YOU.
GOSH. SORRY TO BORE YOU SO HARD!!!
BYE!
-----
_
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Hulking Aroma
Happy New Year friends! I wish I could have given you all a group
hug at midnight, but this myspace blog update, 2 days late, will have
to suffice.
Anyway- I just wanted to share something pretty special with you.
First of all, my work offers its employees *several* flavored coffee
options, gratis, each day- with a rotating "exciting" flavor
to keep things "exciting". Today's excitement came in the
form of 'Southern Pecan' - and here is how it is described on the
box "The buttery flavor of luscious nutty pecans." NUTTY
PECANS? No way!! How on earth did they achieve this nutty flavor...
from a pecan of all things?!? Thanks science, and thank you work,
Google ain't got nothing on you!
In other news, I hope to have many of you over to my new place in
2007. So far no one but the super has seen it and that is becoming
more and more of a shame as I progressively acquire more furniture
and decorative doo-dads.
Please contact me to schedule a viewing okay?
-----
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Gippers take notice
I have had it up to HERE with the elderly already. I had to wait,
oh I don't know, 30 minutes at Bloomingdales to get my fave frozen
yogurt because there was a goddamn gipper chain in front of me all
trembling and bobbing its collective head- needing to hear the flavors
repeated thirty times and wanting to pay by check and god knows what
else (I had my iPod on)
Anyway, I guess I just don't understand why gips feel compelled to
perpetuate this grotesque charade of being functioning members of
society during working people hours. Order your lactose-free plain
yogurt with extra fiber and pay with a jar of pennies between 10-11:30am
and again from 3-4pm when people like me are busy at their desks keeping
the economy afloat so you can live another thousand years with your
high tech medicines and gleaming bedside machines. K THANKS!
And, so as to not seem hypocritical - let me just say that my own
personal gips, my grandparents, live in a retirement community in
south Jersey. It is a place made just for gips, they keep extremely
weird hours (last episode of Kojak is at 5am) and pretty much stay
in the house except for short trips to the family-style buffet restaurant
that seats approximately 4500 people. I would have to say they are
model elderlies, and it would be preposterous for you to disagree.
-----
Friday, December 22, 2006
A'scuse me?
Oh man. Today is clocking in at a conservative 9.5 on the pointless
scale. Why is anybody at work? Oh because of the stock market. Thanks
a lot, thing I barely understand at all. Way to be a workaholic force
that threatens the free world everyday with your volatile, over-sensitive
nature. I am putting all *my* money into an awesome new asset class
called "UNDER MY FUCKING MATTRESS" (LLC)
It's also "make your own sandwich day" in the boardroom
but I don't eat meat and thus have little interest in cold cuts. Unless
of course it means COLD CUTTING the fuck out of here for the day!
The phone has rung exactly ZERO times. Let's see if I got any email.
Hmm...nope. Nope, I cannot say that I have. You know what else I haven't
gotten? Christmas presents for anyone. Sorry guys, you are just going
to have to blame the stock market for that one too.
BYE
-----
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Here's Hoping!
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
I think I have Mike's cellphone number installed correctly in my Sidekick's
address book. Either that, or someone else is going to be expecting
a "great big BJ" with their "name on it" later
tonight, and will no doubt be hugely disappointed. (Because of my
little "fangs" problem.) Whatever.
Ate some Dominos over at the Wowch pizza party last night. Drank some
Tecates. It was good. Wowchever.
Played some Mazarin songs on the digi-jukebox at HiFi. Deirdre and
I discussed our joint venture, while Mike slid under the table from
boredom- perhaps wishing he could have a little joint (ad)venture
of his own. Whatever.com
Took a cab home, I passed out immediately whereas Mike watched The
Wire season 1 with the headphones on. I guess he can tell me what
happened. It's almost as good as actually watching the show, right?!??
Whutevuh.
Tonight is my company Christmas party. I will go to that and consequently
miss The Jewish playing at P.S. 1 (fancy?). Mount Whateverest.*
*Though it would seem I am aloof about missing this show by comparing
my non-chalance to Mount Everest in scale; nothing could be further
from the truth. I am legitimately bummed. 2 Legit.
-----
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
It's a long drive for someone with nothing to think about...
...So fortunately Alex and I have LOTS to think about on our ten hour
overnight drive to Canada tomorrow- like planning your murder.
I made some mix CDs just like old times. Even threw some Sebadoh and
stuff on there. Hey-o! Timewarp all the way back to oh, i don't know,
12 whole years ago. Back when I was zittier, and Alex was shittier.
(I don't even really mean that. I guess you could construe his inability
to chill the fuck out in various situations in high school as being
"shitty", but not really)
Anyway- we're gonna book it to Canada! I'm totally in the mood for
some Timbits and random apologies from strangers! Maybe I'll bring
mom's Coolpix L3 (worst.camera.ever.made) and capture all the excitement
in .003 megapixels with optional enhanced extra fat/pale asshole lens.
OH YES!
Top secret confession: I am getting frown lines- BIG TIME. It's weird
because (to my knowledge) I am not bummed on my computer; I don't
know why I keep FROWNING at it! But I do it, and it shows. What can
I say, my lifestyle takes its bitter toll.
Okay goodnight oh millions of readers. It is bedtime all over the
world, which is where you live because you are incredibly numerous
in scope and such. (Please stagger your log-offs- lest the massive
abandonment of the site appear to the myspace.com IT team that an
international boycott has been launched- thereby affecting the stock
price.) I, as a shareholder, concern myself with this often- and you
should to, by extension. (hint: because you are a giant fan of mine)
-----
Monday, December 04, 2006
That's Not Funny, That's Boring.
Kinda received my first lil rejection "note" from McSweeney's
this morning. Don't get discouraged right? Not a big deal. Totally
not at all a big deal- it's just that it makes my being a secretary
seem that much more... approproiate. (sad) I dunno. I guess I'll go
make some coffee in the Keurig Aromamaster 5000 now. I don't even
like coffee. It's less funny than what I wrote for McSweeneys.
I wrote this other thing- that I thought was really good a few days
ago when I wrote it, and while I haven't looked at it since (and am
not sure where I put it) I'm sure it's still pretty good. I didn't
send it anywhere. I think I'll just hang on to it until later.
K. Bye.
-----
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Stoked on life, bummed on trife.
Current mood: thankful
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
Partyanimals!
I am now the proud renter of a new home! And I have a job too. And
soon a husband. It's almost like I am your average American.
So totally stoked on life!
Saw Graham Smith play an awesome show last night. (3rd album release
by Graham in the same number of weeks. He is the undefeated champion
of strummers) Next Monday is the last week of his November residency
at Pianos so you should show up and hear the keynote, buy all 65 of
his albums, and celebrate good times- come on! You all know where
Pianos is- it's that place you said you weren't going to go to anymore.
Maybe. I dunno.
I guess the only trifeness I have to be bummed on right now is the
death of Robert Altman, which I learned about via a text message from
Jeff Jensen. I said to my Dad via MSN messenger "Robert Altman
die.Yet obit fail to mention OC and Stiggs. A shame" and he ignored.
Touchy subject? I dunno.
-----
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Time Warped?
Current mood: confused
I don't want to freak you guys out or whatever - but I think I just
experienced a time warp/worm hole/ k-hole. Okay- so I had an interview
uptown at 11am. Then I came home (don't really remember much about
that either but just wait-- ) so I turned on the TV, all totally set
to cue up some excellent episodes of Deadwood on HBO-on-Demand and
was catastrophically bummed to find there was no Deadwood for me to
demand! Then *dream sequence noise* ...it's suddenly 4pm.
WHAT THE SHIT??? I wasn't on the phone. I wasn't really fucking around
on the computer that much. I did write someone a postcard but like...
4 hours?
Anyway. Time warps dude. They're real. I'm sorry you had to find out
this way. Perhaps I will enclose a video podcast of me giving you
a sympathetic handjob.
But for now blast back to the past with this detail picture of an
awesome shirt I made like 5 years ago.
-----
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Those compressed air thingies...
Current mood: stoned
I was just cleaning my mom's keyboard with one of those compressed
air shits. It's still mad dusty because- okay well- I guess because
she is always well moisturized so the dust sorta sticks to each key-
but pardon my Vincent D'onofrio-esque tangent...
Anyway- I had to use a lot of this compressed air shizznozz and when
I finally stopped blasting the thing the can continued to emit a weird
hissing noise.
"Man. This can is still making a noise. Like... it's still going"
Mom: That's because it's going to blow up
"Well I'm gonna put it on this shelf then. It can blow up over
there."
Mom: I told you to use SHORT BURSTS and not an EXTENDED SPRAY!"
"Listen. Jesse Foster and I tossed one of those cans into the
road once in hopes that a car might run over it. It was, in fact,
pretty loud."
Mom: WHAT ARE YOU... TEN?
Just thought I'd keep you involved in my home life. I think Child
Services is gonna take me away! OH GOSH
------
Monday, October 16, 2006
TRANQ'ED UP
Current mood: mellow
Man-
Due to the amount of klonopins I had to take yesterday - between 5
hours on a bus back and forth to Lakewood, New Jersey, and myriad
other stress factors currently percolating in my world- I had some
ZANY dreams last night!
Now, I know talking about dreams is about as exciting as listening
to college students talk about various professors and courses, credits
and all that other shit I managed to avoid thanks to being a super
genius- but listen.
So I had this pet heifer who lived in my house and his name was "The
Remix." He was pretty big and had to sleep in my bed by himself
while me and my houseguest (who kept changing...) had to sleep on
a pullout couch in the living room. Every morning I would go into
the Remix's room and rouse him for another full day of being a cow
in the city and would turn off the iPod I would put him to sleep to
every night. (It really soothed him and let him know it was time to
rest!)
But one morning I woke up next to my houseguest and he had his arms
around a girl that looked very much like Irene C. and wasn't wearing
a shirt. I was kinda "huh?" but the houseguest explained
that he just had to sneak her in, and blah blah so I said "whatever
it's fine" then noticed she had brought brand-x Lucky Charms
to have for breakfast so I was insta-stoked. "Wow! Did you bring
those generic Lucky Charms?" And she confirmed that she did!
I exclaimed that I was gonna go wake up The Remix (possibly for fresh
milk?) but when I went into The Remix's bedroom and was cooing "The
reeeeeemixx, oh the reeeeeemixxxx..." I realized that the Remix
was gone and it was my fiance, Mike lying there in what I like to
call, his MANties.
"Mike! What are you doing here! And where's the Remix??"
He never got a chance to explain....
In another scene in the dream I took The Remix to a high school reunion
taking place in a total Chappaquiddick-type yard during a summy day
with like... croquet and drunk girls wearing white. I don't know if
you guys have ever been to a real WASP cakewalk... but it was like
that. Except I brought a small cow. I don't know what that's supposed
to mean. Guess I was the class "eccentric" ....
ANYWAY- I think I'm getting better now. I need to get some endorphins
poppin so I might go 'take the air' as it were. Have yet another interview
at 5.
PAX.
-----
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Tone adjuster / super genius
Current mood: gassy
Sorry folks- time to marshall my words! We lost a NY Yankee and a
flight instructor in that crashola yesterday. Bummer.
In other news, I think the word 'fiduciary' is hilarious. Clearly
I am mega-advanced.
Recorded some funniez with Ted last night for the new Cheeseburger
album! Kemado has a real sweet set-up and this really cool mic stand
that smashes your hand and gets blood all over. I also learned that
they have a really sweet first-aid kit! And that Miller Lite tastes
like "Mmmmm.... Bayonne."
-----
Friday, October 06, 2006
Hamster Dayz
When I was in 5th grade I had these 2 "best friends" that
I totally felt the need to compete with on every level at all times
(which I think is pretty much how it goes for 5th graders) -- anyway,
back in 1991, the totally hot pet-of-the-moment was the teddybear
hamster and they both had them! You hadn't heard?? I begged my mom,
the notorious animal hater, for a TBH of my very own for SOOOO long
because I thought they were just SOOOO cute and like, "Imagine
the possibilities! Beth and Claire could come over and we could all
play with him! They could bring their hamsters over too for sleepovers!!"
Wait-I just thought of this one thing. Okay not saying I EVER did
this (much, after 3rd grade), but like ...did you have various animals
in your grade school classrooms and would you ever say, take a boy
and a girl in each hand and kinda line up their areas and press them
together to "mate them"? No?
To make a non-story short- a few weeks later, while I was spending
the weekend at grandma's or Bernie's - my mom went out and got me
this retarded hamster and a 2 storey hangout for him and I came home
and cried tears of joy. I have never had a surprise party before and
each year I hate all my friends just a little bit more because of
it, but my mom scored big points that day with Spanky, the puffiest
rodent around. This thing threw off quite a stench and occasionally
got NATTY DREADS which I then had to cut off with some scissors.
Here is a photographic representation.
-----
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
I'M ENGAGED NOW
Current mood: energetic
Category: Life
1. Stop trying to screw me
2. Send presents. I'm registed at Bloomingdales and Unica Home. (bloomingdales.com,
unicahome.com)
-----
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Pure Dummies
Category: Blogging
Okay. I know you turn to my blog for the hard-hitting news of the
hour and this toothsome morsel of news is just in- so ready yourselves.
Here goes.
Why the fuck does anybody like "new car smell"?
I mean it only smells like 80 carcinogenic sweaty buttcheeks pressed
against the well-worn pleather of my cerebral cortex?
It probably doesn't make my Top 10 Worst Stenches list that includes:
dairy garbage, belly button, oatmeal gone bad, half 'n' half in your
hair after like 3-4 hours, period crotch, and Chinatown. ...But it's
still highly GNAR!
Okay! Thanks for hanging!
_________________
