You
most certainly do not want to start with me. If you have made me angry-
get ready- for I will rip you up to five separate and distinct assholes
you have no practical use for and will not even extend you the courtesy
of including a gift receipt.
If
you think that just because you're a cat I will spare you a similar
wrath, you are sorely mistaken. You make my eyes water and I sneeze
like crazy when you are around, yet you insist on rubbing your warm,
fur-covered body all over my legs whenever we are in a room together.
And while I will not rip you any new assholes (as that would involve
touching you, which I've already explained is the crux of the thing),
I will think of an equally undesirable punishment suited to your size
and species. Better to play it safe, stick to the catnip balls and
string-based entertainment, and not start with me.
Are
children, in their playful way, encouraged to start with me? Incontrovertibly
no. I am no child hater, nor am I "hater" in general. That
said, should your child wish to start with me, I will present he or
she with a non-transferable invitation to take this outside. If it
is winter, I will ensure they are properly dressed and that, naturally,
their shoes are tied. At this time I will stand on my knees (or take
other steps to level the playing field) and fight as a child fights,
that is to say: loudly and with below-average muscle control. If taking
your child to school tomorrow with a big ole shiner seems at all disagreeable
to you, I would suggest you advise your youngster to not even toy
with the idea of starting with me, and perhaps familiarize them with
the term "knuckle sandwich" (I find that kids do well with
food-related visual concepts of violence).
Furthermore,
let this act as a warning to rocks, sand, wind (especially sand in
concert with wind), the sea, rivers, lakes (let's just say all over
bodies of water), cumbersome furniture items over which I might stumble,
and other members of the inanimate objects community.
All-
You
have heard and perhaps born witness to, or been the surface upon which
the aforementioned punishments have been enacted; and I can assure
you that should you elect to start with me, I will exact
a revenge (upon you) with precisely zero moral qualms. Afterall, you
have no control whatsoever over your actions, so why should I? Expect
something undignified as I am confident it will remain our little
secret.
