by Jared Soldiviero

Most Americans are well aware of the current problems with the welfare system. Welfare reform has consequently been a hot topic in the media and in political races. Currently, mothers are having children simply to increase the size of their welfare checks. Studies show that more than 75% of welfare recipients use at least a portion of their paycheck to purchase narcotics, such as crack. Crack-cocaine is a powerful, highly addictive form of cocaine, which is crystalline and smoke-able. Street prices vary significantly, but for the purpose of argument, we will assume approximately $10 for one hit or dose. "Workfare" is a form of welfare through which benefactors are given jobs by the city or state government. A current workfare employee earns between $5 and $10. A feasible method of improving the current system would be to continue the workfare system, with payment in crack-cocaine.

Think of the possible advantages. While on crack, the individuals in question do not need many of the things we currently associate with a fulfilling existence: i.e. food, electricity, family, and love. These people will always come to work because they are addicted and waiting for their next "paycheck". Productivity will soar because no one will be willing to lose his or her job. Mothers will stop having "welfare babies" to increase welfare payments because they can get crack by staying at work. This will decrease population growth, and stop mothers from having unwanted children. Mothers who do want children for legitimate reasons could sell their crack to white, suburban kids looking for a thrill. This will keep mothers from having crack-babies, and it will also help them support their child. Unfortunately, some may overdose, but this will have the effect of easing crowding in the already overcrowded inner city.

As we know, the United States is the most overweight country on the face of the earth. But, the average male junkie weighs only between 100 and 150 pounds. Implementation of my plan would significantly decrease the weight of the typical American, taking us off the top of the "fat list" and replacing us with, well, Canada. It would also decrease the amount of self-help literature and diet paraphernalia clogging the social consciousness. People addicted to crack would also not want to even bother reading fashion magazines and the like, eliminating the societal concepts of "thin" or "beautiful".

My plan will also decrease the power of dealers in the ghetto. Because welfare workers will have special permits for possession of crack and will be allowed to smoke in their homes, crack houses will be virtually eliminated. There will be a sharp drop in crime, because no one will have to rob in order to support his or her habit.

Some may think that finding jobs for such people might be a difficulty, but they are forgetting that there are many crack heads already employed in our society. People can get jobs in the IRS, as security guards, subway drivers, doormen, teachers, and school administrators, to name a few. There are rumors that Mayor Guiliani, a long time supporter of workfare, may be interested in this plan. So I ask you, fellow citizens, to join me, and recognize that reform is just a crack pipe away.

send a pal some virtual crack!!