|
if you have a question that you think could
best be answered by Cleo, you need only to email her!
Dear Cleo. I have this awful
fear of becoming famous. I just know it's gonna happen, and I'm
really scared about that. I'm just not sure if I really want
that kind of success, or if it's really "right" for
me. i don't want to end up like Kurdt Cobain or something. What
do you think?
Signed,
Should I be famous? (.com?)
Dear famehuman, I don't
really understand your question all the way. So I will have you
think about this. I am Cleo. I live in a small cage in a country
that doesn't even exist. I am not altogther displeased with this
arrangement but that is me. What arrangement would you like best?
If you get something and decide you don't like it, you can always
throw it away tomorrow, or pee on it lightly. My yard is big
enough for several rabbits.
Dear Cleo,
Are you related in any way to Miss Cleo? Is her accent real?
Signed,
Le Embassie de Jamaica
Dear L'Embassie, that is
a very good question you just asked. As you know, Miss Cleo is
black. I too, am black so of course we are related. I do not
wish to talk of accents. I have no accent at all and hers may
or may not be fake. Who takes stock in such things? Miss Cleo
has sought my advice on several occasions yes and mmmhmm, I gave
her all i had to offer. She laid out a Ouija board for me and
I placed poops strategically across it's surface as nature called.
The next thing you know, George W. Bush was president. I'm sorry,
but you can't kick a gift horse in its mouthspot as they say?
Dear Cleo. I used to be pretty, but I have a sneaking suspicion
one day I just turned ugly. I didn't gain a lot of weight or
anything. I think one day I woke up and I just suddenly became
ugly.
Guys used to hit on me constantly. People would sometimes mention
how pretty I looked in certain outifts. But one day, all that
just stopped.
This has been the case for maybe two months. Do you think maybe
it's all in my head and that maybe two months just isn't long
enough time for me to decide if I'm ugly? Help!
Signed,
Am I Ugly or Not?
Hee hee I just peed on something!
I'm sorry were you asking a question, human thing? Oh, you think
you are ugly now? That is not true, you were ugly always. Humans
do not look nice to me. Two eyes in the front? How do you see
what's on left? what is on right? Two legs for running? What
running? Such folly. Why don't you grow fur and clean your face
violently with your hands. This is my suggestion to you. Don't
let guys hit you. That's just rude.
Dear Cleo,
Where can i find an apartment in manhattan that doesn't cost
a king's ransom? world peace? the meaning of life?...
Ben.
Well, Ben. How about living in the wild? Apartments aren't
that cool because if they start to smell like your own pee you
still have to come home to there. In the wild, you can run away
from bad smells. That is the advantage of the wild! I don't know
about "world peace" but I do, however, enjoy the occasional
ear of corn. They are really fun, yes? The meaning of life has
something to do with me, Cleo. That was three questions though
so yes, I am terse.
Dear Miss Cleo,
I'm kind of worried. I'm a 20 year old male, right in the midst
of my alleged sexual peak. Yet I don't seem to think that highly
of sex. I was in a long term relationship and kind of got bored
of the whole thing, it just got to the point where almost seemed
like a hassle to insert myself. Now it's been about 9 months
since I've taken off from the wild throws of intercourse and
I really don't miss it that much...and I don't really go out
of my way to look to engage in that kind of activity again. Part
of the reason my ex broke up with me was due to my indifference
towards the baby-making process and I
fear that if I somehow found myself in another relationship with
someone I really cared about, the problem would be bound to arise
yet again (I believe there's a pun there and I feel stupid about
pointing it out, but it's my understanding that even when puns
are not intended, one is obligated to point
out their possible existence.) So basically my question is, will
I be able to shake the lack of that lovin' feeling and if so,
how?
-limp noodle
Dear B- I mean, Limp Noodle,
I am not quite sure how you say it but I think in German it is
homosexuell? Barring that, might I suggest that you are perhaps
lacking in the self confidence that gives me, as a fluffy bunny,
all my vim and vigor and intense desire to bone? You will get
your proverbial groove on but if you don't- who cares? At least
you won't be knocking any girls up with many babies, which is
more than I can say for the entire city of Toronto from what
I understand. Which, granted, is a lot. I can only pee so far.
Dear Cleo,
Okay, I have a really good
friend named, Chris. He's adorable and funny and sweet..all those
great things. Anyways, Everytime I see him he's always trying
to be around me as much as possible..and he's always talking
to me, and for 4 days at the carnival he has been winning me
tons of stuffed animals and constantly trying, etc; Everyone
says they think he likes me..even his close close friend. But
when asked if he does, he says no....Anyways, my quetion is-
Does Chris like me at all? Or is he just being really friendly??
I think he is SO damn cute...and I don't know what to do or feel!
Help me :)
xoxo,
Dana
Dear Dana, I don't really
understand "stuffed animal" because I am a starving
animal owing to the fact that no one bothers to take care of
me. So I can only assume that this "Chris" procuring
smallish stuffy animals for you is a sign of true love. Lift
your tail for him and show him all that is you.
Dear Cleo,
I hope you can help me with this pressing romantic/health question.
When a boy spends the weekend at my house, I am unable to move
my bowels because of the fear of embarrassment over the sounds/smells
typically associated with this normal bodily function. Thus,
I spend the entire weekend feeling constipated, grouchy, bloated
and extremely unsexy....which is just the way you DON'T want
to feel when a cute boy sleeps over. So, do I give up boys, food,
sex? Do I play the finale of the "1812 Overture" in
the bathroom whilst evacuating? Do I get a check-up from the
neck-up to see if I'm pure nuts? Or do I just happily fart and
splat away and not give a rat's rectum? Please respond. Fourth
of July Weekend is coming up....and I can't spend five impacted
days in the Hamptons with Mr. Good-Enough-For-Now?
Sincerely,
Linda X. Lax
Flushing, NY
Linda,
This question has mildly offended my oversized ears...just kidding!
I love poo! Anyway, if you are scared of your own poo (WHY?),
tell the boy to go buy you the newspaper of your choice at a
store. If he refuses to do so, go outside and poo in the yard.
If he catches you- he'll know you mean business, if he joins
in- it's love. I am wise, yes?
|
